Infinite Arms

All week long I’ve been asking myself what all this fuss has been about. All the tearful farewells. It only really hit me today after the final exam, as we hugged good bye. It’s almost Christmas, and I can’t believe that this has only been four months. Before this semester I had never stayed out until 6 in the morning, just because we could, feeling completely safe, and free because of the people I was with. Never had I celebrated Rosh Hashana, semi-Italian style, or ended up celebrating Mexican New Year in a random pub because the Mexican Bar we thought we were headed for turned out to be a fast-food Burrito joint. I had never drawn on a ukulele, or spray dyed my hair blue just because it was fun, and we wanted to celebrate Halloween in a classroom. Lol, it was the first time someone told me how I was crazy, but hid behind my Asian-ness. The first in a long while I’ve enjoyed a class so much that I decided to study that instead of for the exam the next day. The first of many times we just spontaneously burst out into song and dance, starting from Proms in the Park, then in the streets, in pubs, in bars, IN THE HAGUE, just because we wanted to have a good time.

All this, and without me even trying. At some point, I found myself withdrawing, and I told myself it was because I couldn’t get to know everyone that well, in four months, and we’ll just have to say goodbye again, so what’s the point? But now I know that I’ll carry these memories with me for years to come, and hopefully, if our paths cross again they’ll remember me, even if just as the random Asian girl who sat in the corner in this random class. I’ll always regret being so guarded, and not giving more of myself to this semester, and this crazy, quirky, wonderful group of people.

I guess a part of it was moving into Halls. At the start of the term there were so many times I was torn between going to this thing or other, or hanging out with the hall-mates. Something had to give, and this is the way it’s turned out. If I could turn back time, I would have done the balancing a little better, but I guess – you win some, you lose some, as long as you enjoy yourself in the process.

So much has changed, and happened, in the past 4 months, I don’t know how to describe it all. I don’t even know how to begin explaining how much of an impact everyone I’ve met has changed me, whether or not they were on my course. In fact, this entire year has been freakishly full, and this is the part where I look back and think about how far we’ve come. I remember when life was just the set and the musical, and getting readings done. How turning twenty freaked me out a little more than it should have. How life was for a period just about exams (as always), and friendship. And vacation scheme applications, and figuring out what your dreams were. The culture shock of starting this term just passed, and how much of a frickin’ whirlwind it has been.  This past year I can finally say that I’ve loved, but, with certainty, have never truly lost, and that I’ve ticked off dreams I’ve cherished since I was a little girl. I’ve finally rediscovered things which I am truly passionate about, and the road ahead no longer feels like a dead end, whether or not I pursue those passions (and that’s the best part). Most importantly though, I’ve had people with me every step of the way, and for that, I’m grateful. I can’t wait for what else is in store.

Advertisement