Still Looking Up

Yes yes I know this song is being slightly overplayed and waaaaay too overrated at the moment, but listening to it makes me wanna go back to being that squealing teenager, crazy over Mraz. So here it is, because I can.

I was gonna say how much I miss having so much blind faith because of stupid things like good lyrics or inspiring books or people on the internet but dudee, that’s. So. Lame. It just feels like these days, there’re actually people IRL to have faith in, and who have faith in me, and that’s just frickin awesome.

Broken Record

I’ve just read this article, and like every other Singaporean I’ve met who’s read it, am pleasantly surprised by how straightforward and candid it is.

I AM as Rafflesian/Raffles Girls’ School (RGS)/’elite’ as they come. My father was a Raffles Institution boy; I went through Raffles Girls’ Primary School (RGPS), RGS, then Raffles Junior College, then on to the National University of Singapore, boarding at Raffles Hall. My sisters went through much the same route. My little girls are in RGPS.

I recognise the syndrome Ms Sandra Leong talks about (‘Scoring high in grades but not in values’, last Saturday). I live it, breathe it. Most of my friends are like me, graduates. Most of us live in landed property, condominiums or minimally, executive condos or five-room flats. None of us talks about making ends meet, or how we must turn down medical treatment for our aged parents because we cannot find the money.

But I will add to her essay: that those traits, that aura is not unique to RGS girls. It resonates within a social group, and its aspirants, the well educated or well endowed. I hang out with so many, I have stories by the barrel.

- My doctor friend, non-RGS and one would even say anti-RGS, was shocked when she found out how many As I got in my A levels, since I opted to do an arts degree. In her words, ‘I thought all arts people were dumb, that is why they go to arts’. Her own family boasts only doctors and lawyers – she said they would never contemplate any other profession – and by implication, all other professions are below those two.

- A church-mate who lived in a landed property in District 10 – definitely not an RGS girl, and I venture to guess, not even a graduate – once, in all sincerity and innocence, prayed for all those who had to take public transport and live in HDB flats, for God to give them strength to bear these trials.

- Another friend, also non-RGS and a non-graduate, shudders when she recounts the few months she lived in an HDB flat. And that was a five-room flat. Imagine the culture shock if she had lived in a three-room flat.

I continue to meet people who never visit hawker centres, who wonder why the poor people do not work harder to help themselves, who fret if their children do not get into the Gifted Education Programme (reserved for the top 1 per cent of nine-year-olds).

The pattern repeats itself in the next generation. When my 11-year-old had to go on a ‘race’ around Singapore, using only public transport, the teacher asked for a show of hands on how many had never taken public transport (bus and MRT) before. In a class of 30, five raised their hands. I think if the teacher had asked for those who had taken public transport fewer than 10 times in their young lives, the number would have more than doubled or tripled.

Many of us live in ivory towers. I know I did. I used to think Singapore was pretty much ‘it’ all – a fantastic meritocracy that allowed an ‘HDB child’ from a non-graduate family to make it. I boasted about our efficiency – ‘you can emerge from your plane and be out in 10 minutes’ – and so on.

It was not that I thought little of the rest of the world or other people; it was that I was so ensconced in my cocoon, I just thought little of anything outside my own zone. ‘Snow? Yes, nice.’ ‘Starvation in Ethiopia? Donate $50.’ The wonders of the world we lived in, the sufferings and joys of those who shared this earth were just academic knowledge to me, voraciously devoured for my essays or to hold intelligent conversations at dinner parties.

Then I lived in China for seven years. I looked on in amazement as the skinny tree trunk in front of my yard blossomed and bore pomegranates when spring thawed the ground. And marvelled at the lands that spread east, west, north and south of me as we drove and drove and drove, and never ended. I became friends and fans of colleagues and other Chinese nationals, whom so many Singapore friends had warned me to be wary of.

I realised it was not the world and other people who were limited in their intellect, in their determination, in their resourcefulness; it was me and my world views which were limited. I also know full well that if I had stayed in Singapore, in my cushy job, comfortable in my Bukit Timah home, I would have remained the same – self-sufficient. I had always believed that if I put my mind to it, I could achieve anything. For example, I used to look at sick people and root: ‘Fight with all your willpower, and you will recover.’ And when they did not, I’d think they had failed themselves. I, like Ms Leong, believed ‘mental dexterity equated strength of character and virtue’.

But those years in China taught me terrible lessons on loneliness. I learnt that money (an expatriate pay package) and brains (suitcases of books) did not make me happier than my maid who cycled home to her family every night in minus 20 deg C on icy roads to a dinner of rice and vegetables. The past few years, I have known devastating loss and grief so deep I woke up in the morning and wondered how the sun could still shine and people could go on with their lives.

And so perhaps I have learnt the humility I lacked. Humility about how small I am in the whole schema of things. About how helpless I truly stand, with my intellect in my hands, with my million-dollar roof over my head. To remember, in the darkest valleys of my journey, it was not Ayn Rand or other Booker list authors who lifted me, but the phone calls, the kindness of strangers, that made each day a little less bleak.

And perhaps finally, to really see other people, and understand – not deflect, nor reflect their anger and viewpoints, but see their shyness, pain, struggles, joys. Just because I was ‘fortunate enough’ to have trawled the bottom levels. And perhaps that is the antidote to the oft unwitting elitism so many of us carry with us.

Sim Soek Tien (Ms)

At the same time, I can’t help but feeling like … this isn’t enough. It’s not just about being pampered and sheltered yadayadayada, at the end of the day even if this is what we feel it’s never going to match up to the people who have truly lived through all these struggles because everything we see will still be shaped by our own perspectives. Ultimately, whatever that shifts to, it’ll still at its base be that of the ‘elitist’, as the writer terms it. Even as I write this I know that this isn’t really an argument – it’s circular, and there isn’t any use in it. It’s just a thought. Maybe when I’m older I’ll be able to write something more coherent about it.

Live, as only you can.

I decided not to do one of those obligatory end-of-year posts and thought I’d share something instead. 2011 was fantastic, and I’m hopeful for 2012, but writing those reflections and resolutions seemed too insincere. Life is what it is, and I’m grateful.

In the meantime I didn’t want to keep quoting David Foster Wallace, because if I do that I’ll start sounding like a broken record, and no one should destroy a speech like that. (But if you haven’t read it, CLICK HERE NOW.)

And then I saw Min’s post, and remembered this New Year’s greeting, from none other than Neil Gaiman. This man’s a legend:

Happynew year everyone! :)

Awake My Soul

Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

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Infinite Arms

All week long I’ve been asking myself what all this fuss has been about. All the tearful farewells. It only really hit me today after the final exam, as we hugged good bye. It’s almost Christmas, and I can’t believe that this has only been four months. Before this semester I had never stayed out until 6 in the morning, just because we could, feeling completely safe, and free because of the people I was with. Never had I celebrated Rosh Hashana, semi-Italian style, or ended up celebrating Mexican New Year in a random pub because the Mexican Bar we thought we were headed for turned out to be a fast-food Burrito joint. I had never drawn on a ukulele, or spray dyed my hair blue just because it was fun, and we wanted to celebrate Halloween in a classroom. Lol, it was the first time someone told me how I was crazy, but hid behind my Asian-ness. The first in a long while I’ve enjoyed a class so much that I decided to study that instead of for the exam the next day. The first of many times we just spontaneously burst out into song and dance, starting from Proms in the Park, then in the streets, in pubs, in bars, IN THE HAGUE, just because we wanted to have a good time.

All this, and without me even trying. At some point, I found myself withdrawing, and I told myself it was because I couldn’t get to know everyone that well, in four months, and we’ll just have to say goodbye again, so what’s the point? But now I know that I’ll carry these memories with me for years to come, and hopefully, if our paths cross again they’ll remember me, even if just as the random Asian girl who sat in the corner in this random class. I’ll always regret being so guarded, and not giving more of myself to this semester, and this crazy, quirky, wonderful group of people.

I guess a part of it was moving into Halls. At the start of the term there were so many times I was torn between going to this thing or other, or hanging out with the hall-mates. Something had to give, and this is the way it’s turned out. If I could turn back time, I would have done the balancing a little better, but I guess – you win some, you lose some, as long as you enjoy yourself in the process.

So much has changed, and happened, in the past 4 months, I don’t know how to describe it all. I don’t even know how to begin explaining how much of an impact everyone I’ve met has changed me, whether or not they were on my course. In fact, this entire year has been freakishly full, and this is the part where I look back and think about how far we’ve come. I remember when life was just the set and the musical, and getting readings done. How turning twenty freaked me out a little more than it should have. How life was for a period just about exams (as always), and friendship. And vacation scheme applications, and figuring out what your dreams were. The culture shock of starting this term just passed, and how much of a frickin’ whirlwind it has been.  This past year I can finally say that I’ve loved, but, with certainty, have never truly lost, and that I’ve ticked off dreams I’ve cherished since I was a little girl. I’ve finally rediscovered things which I am truly passionate about, and the road ahead no longer feels like a dead end, whether or not I pursue those passions (and that’s the best part). Most importantly though, I’ve had people with me every step of the way, and for that, I’m grateful. I can’t wait for what else is in store.

Pema Chodron

I posted this a while back, but realised that it’s disappeared now that everything’s in archives:

“When you begin to touch your heart or let it be touched,
You begin to discover that it’s bottomless,
That it doesn’t have any resolution,
That this heart is huge, vast and limitless.
You begin to discover how much warmth is there
As well as how much…space.”
- Pema Chodron

I’m sitting in school, and it’s weird to see everyone working, for once. (Lulz) Life is hard, but I’m so in love with it right now. Change is good. People can surprise you every day, if you leave enough room in your heart to let them.

Falling, so far

November’s turning out to be a pretty eventful month. & I can’t believe term’s coming to an end already, I’m gonna miss this lot so much when they all head back home.

Anyway, heard this song way back in September, and have been trying to find it since. It’s one of thos songs that don’t really catch your attention unless you’re in the right mood to hear it, and when I first did, I was, but I didn’t know who’d written it so could never find it again. But yay, here it is. :) It’s stuff like this (LOOK AT THE ANIMATION) that reminds me how much frickin talent is on the internet.

Okie, back to work.

I can’t decide which topic to choose for my dissertation – everything looks so interesting, but never has an essay of looked more daunting. It’s my first real dissertation (I know, right? After 2.5 years of law school…) and it’s in International Criminal Law, which has been frickin epic thus far. I want to do well in this.

Exams are coming up, too, in about 3 weeks. I should be more panicky, I’ve never been this unprepared this soon before an exam. Inner Nerd is screaming, but stress just seems to come in mild stops and starts.

I’m so glad to be on this course, best thing I’ve done with my life so far. Also, stayng in halls has been a revelation. For one, I don’t like cooking as much as I thought I did (at least I don’t miss it that much). And people are Awesome. I’m going to miss this whole uni thing.

 

Awkward post, just getting back into the groove, guys.

:) So it’s been a while. I’ve moved all the posts from the past 3 years into archives, just so you know.

I’ve recently been skipping a lot of things – all the socials, gatherings, teas, coffees…drinks. Today, I literally took the day off, and hibernated in my room. Watching HIMYM, playing the uke, occasionally studying for the exam on Tuesday. I chuckle everytime I think about everything that’s already happened so far this term, and what a whirlwind it has been; how much change is in the air. I notice how everytime I decide to give something a miss, it’s felt like I’m literally pushing the pause button to whatever’s becoming my life this year and man, I gotta stop doing that. Stop resisting change.